Saturday, December 23, 2017

My Top 12 Songs of Christmas

Christmas music is beloved by many and is a library of festive songs. So, with two days left until Christmas, I'm ranking my top 12 favorites.

(Note: after due consideration, I have decided not to include any numbers from The Nutcracker on the list. These songs are purely instrumental, and are heard often during the month of December, but aren't really Christmas songs.)

(I have also decided not to include Christmas songs of my own composition, such as "Someone to Bring Me Home", which I wrote for my 2017 holiday screenplay of the same title.)

(I have also decided not to include songs that aren't about Christmas but that I associate with Christmas for various reasons, such as "Together We Can Change The World", which I first heard at a school performance at Christmastime, or "Everlasting Light", which was used in a 2017 Macy's commercial.)

So here's the list, and sorry if I made you wait.

12. "We Three Kings" (????)
This ballad of the Magi is such an old song that no one really knows when it was written. It actually has about seven verses, but even so, I haven't tracked them all down. I have also heard the Spanish version of the song, which is confusing, but the minor-key tune, my favorite element of the song, remains.

11. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (1949)
The song for me is just as good as the special, but like the special, there are other songs that rank above it. I relate to the character of Rudolph, only most of the ridicule I have taken in life comes from within. I could really write a whole post about how much mockery and scorn I have gotten from my own self.

10. "Mele Kalikimaka" (1952)
Written before Hawaii even became a state, this song is popularly known as simply "that Hawaiian Christmas song" is simple and catchy. And it manages to use more than just twelve letters. (The Hawaiian language's alphabet has only 12 letters: A E H I K L M N O P U W.)

9. "Here Comes Santa Claus" (1972)
The repetitive verses of this song make it a perennial favorite, but it's the triumphant performance at the end of its original source, the 1972 Rankin-Bass/ABC television classic The Year Without a Santa Claus that really makes it feel...emotional. In the special, Santa is offered a day off by the world, but is much too generous to accept the offer. His generosity is actually somewhat moving in the end.

8. "All I Want for Christmas is You" (2003)
Although this song is popularly attributed to Mariah Carey, her recording is in fact a cover - it was written for the 2003 romantic comedy Love Actually and performed by Olivia Olson there. Carey popularized the song and it is now an animated Amazon Prime original movie about a young Mariah Carey (The Haunted Hathaways' Breanna Yde).

7. "Believe" (2002)
Josh Groban originally recorded this song for the 2002 movie The Polar Express, and it launched his career, although he still sticks mostly to Broadway. The iconic first four notes of the song are suspiciously similar to a musical piece from Elf, and I don't like to think about the same song showing up in the same movie genre within three years, so that's why it's not higher on the list.

6. "Where Are You, Christmas" (2005)
Faith Hill recorded this in 2005. She had done a lot of work for and with Warner Bros., and three Warner Bros. Christmas movies - the live-action Grinch remake with Jim Carrey in 2000, The Polar Express in 2002, and Elf in 2004 - were sold the song for use in their movie, but none of the producers on any of those movies thought it fit with their film. So she just recorded it solo in 2005.

5. "Somewhere In My Memory" (1989)
This is good with words and as an instrumental - John Williams wrote it for Home Alone. It can be played in any way that shows what Kevin is feeling at any point during the movie - it's a very adaptable song that doesn't really have a mood. The scene in the movie gives the tune its mood.

4. "When Christmas Comes to Town" (2002)
Famously sung by an unnamed girl and a lonely boy on the back of a train headed to the North Pole, this is the REAL best holiday duet (sorry, Baby It's Cold Outside) because the kids have excellent vocals on the original recording from Polar Express and the tune is even a bit hallucinating. Megan Moore and Matthew Hall, the original singers, have recorded an instant classic song, but both, strangely, faded into obscurity soon after the release of the movie.

3. "Last Christmas" (1984)
George Michael and Wham! sealed their places as a holiday staple group with this 1984 single, on which Michael played all the instruments (rather well, in fact). An interesting fact about this song that I like to tell people is that immediately after Michael finished filming the music video, he went to help record...

2. "Do They Know It's Christmas"/Band Aid (1984)
Despite dated ethnocentric lyrics - yes, let's all thank God that we're not poor and hungry but these other people are - this song communicates a powerful message, and though the effect is muddled, I still think this song is the ideal way to remind people to think of those less fortunate than them at Christmas. The release of this even predates the more well known "We Are the World", and thus pioneered the idea of getting a bunch of musicians to record a song together.

1. "My Grown Up Christmas List" (1990)
I think I picked this one #1 because it's the Christmas song I relate to the most, being a teenager. Whenever I hear it, I am reminded of Christmas Eve 2014 - the first year I had trouble thinking of Christmas gifts to ask for because I observed I wanted abstract things and/or things that weren't for myself for the first time that year. Though Natalie Cole was the original artist, Kelly Clarkson made the most famous recording of this song. Its one flaw is a bit of a cluttered tune that's hard to remember.

Spotify Playlist of these songs

Finally, a note on Christmas songs I have written - a hoard more are coming in as I resurrect my 2011 original Christmas movie story treatment that you've never seen, "Miracle on Tryon Street" (with a new title, of course - the original title could mislead audiences into thinking it was a parody or whole-plot reference), with original songs. Expect the finished screenplay, which may even surpass the normal hour-long length of most of my scripts, around January 10.

Friday, December 8, 2017

The Most Influential Person of 2017

SHE ARRIVED ON A STRANGELY warm March evening in New York earlier this year. She was loaded off her truck and fixed opposite a thirty-year-old statue of a charging bull. She was the brainchild of advertising agency McCann and State Street Global Advisors. She was five feet tall, and she had the same proactive attitude as every other girl in New York. She had hair blowing in the wind, she wore a T-shirt and a skirt, she wore sneakers. She was just like every other girl in New York.

Except she could not move.

The "Fearless Girl", a statue aimed at promoting the power of women in leadership, sculpted by Kristen Visbal, was unveiled the following morning, and the news media poured down on her. She got crowned with anti-Trump pink hats. She was the #1 trending topic on all social media. Many people knew and heard her message. She was initially only meant to stay for a week. But a week became a month, and a month became a year. Nira Desai even started a petition to make her permanent.

New York's innocent, imaginative children welcomed the new girl on Wall Street, and started the trend of the "right" way to get your picture made with her - linking arms with the statue, whose hands were permanently bound to her hips.

(Above: kids mimic the "Fearless Girl"'s gesture in March 2017.)

Fearless Girl became the symbol of the resistance to the anti-female sentiment President Donald Trump was promoting. She became the most popular girl in New York. Everyone knew her, everyone stopped to talk, but she didn't talk back.

Though some of the children of New York still say she could talk back, but she didn't want to.

"Kids and their imaginations", thought many New Yorkers, until one day, May 6, as the bell rang at the New York Stock Exchange just down the street, a crowd gathered again where the statue stood, a crowd whose likes had not been seen since the statue was erected. People of all ages and all occupations crept in for a look.

But there was nothing to see. Fearless Girl had vanished.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio soon heard about the goings-on and arrived in his limo to check up on things. Murmurs of "Where's Fearless Girl?" persisted as he drove up. De Blasio left his car and approached the crowd. "Does anyone know anything about this?" De Blasio inquired to the gathered masses, upon seeing with his own eyes the absence of the statue.

"I do," said a 13-year-old girl, with radiant fire-colored hair, quickly running down Broadway and into the crowd. Mayor de Blasio called the girl to his side. "Please tell me what you did with the statue," he insisted.

"I'm sorry, you must be mistaken," said the girl. "I am the statue."

Most adults present laughed. Yet most children, especially the smallest ones, listened to the girl, who identified herself as Shea Mentzer, tell her story, as did a curious Mayor de Blasio. According to Mentzer, she had stood for nearly two months on Wall Street opposite the charging bull, calling out to young girls on the street. "Why?" asked an inquisitive young child. "I needed to empower a young girl and win my humanity," Mentzer explained. Mentzer related that about two weeks ago, she'd called out to yet another young girl, but unintentionally attracted the attention of a 13-year-old boy.

Mentzer told that this 13-year-old boy had listened to her desires and her explanation that she needed to be an inspiration for a young girl's confidence, and if she did, she would become a human girl. "Ari (the boy) pried me up and he took me to his apartment on 4th and Avenue of the Americas," Mentzer explained, "and he took me to school the next day, being sure to keep me out of sight. That's when Ari met his teammate on the school quiz bowl team, a little girl named Dakota Severn."

Mentzer continued her story, saying that she and the boy realized Severn, who described herself as "timid, weak, and unmotivated", was the girl she needed to empower in order to gain her humanity. "I spent a few days in Ari's apartment, listening in on Ari and Dakota studying, but one night Ari told me he didn't see the confidence in Dakota that I needed for my humanity. He put me back on Wall Street the next morning."

"Tears," Mentzer said, "ran down my bronze body all day. But that night, I was still crying a little when I felt this strange tingling sensation. My bronze began to chip and tear, and triumphantly, I put my best foot forward, and it moved. I don't know how I knew where the TV studio they were doing the quiz bowl at was, but I just bolted where my feet took me. As I stepped inside, I heard Dakota giving a rousing speech. She was vowing that she wouldn't let her confidence plummet during the trying teenage years. Then the audience got angry and started to yell at her. I opened the door to the studio, and urged everyone to listen to Dakota. She answered the last question correctly, like the unstoppable girl that she is, and won her team the quiz bowl. Soon, she and Ari found me a young couple to be my mom and dad."

Here Mentzer concluded her story, and she turned to the mayor, saying, "It's true. I am the Fearless Girl."

The general consensus among the adults of New York City is that the disappearance of the Fearless Girl will never be explained, but to the children of the city, Shea Mentzer spoke the truth. Every child in New York now recognizes her as their former statue. And it's not just the kids. Many women, especially feminists, revere Mentzer, saying that the world is brighter with their feminist symbol as a truly human, and truly fearless, girl.

Mentzer's closest friends, the aforementioned Ari Bellum and Dakota Severn, are supportive, and, being first hand witnesses to the Fearless Girl's unbelievable evolution into a human girl, confirm her story and persuade doubters to believe her.

And with this said, I am proud to present the Most Influential Person of 2017 to the girl who, it is said, was no more than a slab of metal in January, but is a happy 13 year old in December. Congratulations to Shea Mentzer - your influence this year, and the tale among those who support you, is truly beyond belief. Shea Mentzer, you were the most influential person of 2017, from idea, to feminist symbol, to fire-haired 13 year old.

And what does Mentzer say to this honor, looking into 2018?

"Whatever comes, I'm not afraid," she says when asked.

The most influential person of 2017

Note: This image is actually Shea McHugh, an actress who I'm sure would be honored to be "enacting" Shea Mentzer on my blog.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

In My Opinion: The 12 Greatest Christmas Specials of All Time

In addition to the wide-eyed wonder of children and the good music, one of my favorite things about this time of year is watching the Christmas TV specials and movies. I ranked my top 12 essentials, not counting my own scripts. Why top 12? Well, 12 days of here goes, with types (see my July post on types of Christmas specials) enclosed.

12. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (1965 TV Special, Type 4)
Upside: The fight against prejudice wasn't a common topic in family shows in 1965 and it's one of the reasons this special has stood the test of time. This classic shows that prejudice doesn't have to be based on gender or race - it can be as simple as choice of career. The message resonates well with me, because I have faced prejudice (mostly from myself, though) my entire life.
Downside: The songs can be too catchy at times, and it utilizes the old cancel/save Christmas trope too clearly. Santa (Paul Frees) is grumpy and not at all what a good Santa should be. He's more like a Macy's Santa who's underpaid. The stop-motion Rankin/Bass animation is not their best and looks artificial. Sometimes it looks as if it were just too obviously made in 1965 (which it was).

11. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (1967 TV Special, Type 2)
Upside: The Grinch is a character a 16-year-old who feels alone can relate to well. The animation is well done and there are some funny moments. A cartoon allows for Dr. Seuss's original book to be truly extravagant on TV, and this one is certainly a faithful adaptation.
Downside: The story is a little too hard on consumerism, and I am a little shaken by how much it strikes back against commercial retailers that are pushing people to buy, buy, and buy some more Thanksgiving weekend, mostly because the ways they push people to buy are what I adapt some of my scripts from.

10. "The Year Without a Santa Claus" (1972 TV Special, Type 3)
Upside: The hilarious Miser Brothers are definitely a highlight, but I'll leave the rest of the upside to Rick Goldschmidt, Rankin/Bass historian: "The story of The Year Without a Santa Claus basically says that you are never too old to believe. It emphasizes the fact that in today's world, the spirit of Christmas seems to be lost. Santa is given the luxury of a personal day off by the children of the world, but is much too kind to accept."
Downside: Like Rudolph, it utilizes the cancel/save Christmas trope. Santa and Mrs. Claus (Mickey Rooney and Shirley Booth) give excellent performances but they're too often glanced over, because all people remember is the Misers.

9. "Elf" (2004 Theatrical Feature, Type ?)
Upside: Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell, and Will Ferrell. He is one hilarious man. His Buddy the Elf isn't as good as his Alex Trebek, but it's still good. The supporting cast is top notch, but for me, Charlotte (the news reporter who "wants her boyfriend to stop butting his nose into her business") steals the show. That performance is underrated but strong.
Downside: It's very conspicuous that Jon Favreau is trying to make a fantasy, but it isn't working. The story just feels too real and too heavy-duty for Christmas. It's a little dark at times, and I don't like the way they make the Central Park Rangers, in real life trustworthy guardians of New York's public playground, look genuinely evil.

8. "Frosty the Snowman" (1967 TV Special, Type ?)
Upside: Jackie Vernon is a wonderful Frosty. The story has fantasy that's rooted in reality, which I always like. Jimmy Durante nails the narration. There are lines you love to repeat in your room at night.
The animation is classic and everything feels like a good cartoon should.
Downside: Parts of it seem dated, the cartoon medium exaggerates even the reality, and if ever a sequel cheapened the original, Frosty Returns did. Really, John Goodman as Frosty?

7. "It's a Wonderful Life" (1946 Theatrical Feature, Type 2)
Upside: Great performances by the whole cast, black-and-white, old movie charm, and an inspirational message. Even facial expressions, such as that when George sees that he has no house if he were never born, are well done.
Downside: It lacks one good thing every Christmas show needs: music. It's a Wonderful Life would be better as a musical. Of that I am sure. Also, many people, myself included, have wondered what the story would be like if, rather than wishing he never had a life, George wishes he had a different life.

6. Toss-up between two stories with many, many adaptations: "A Christmas Carol" (Type 2) and "The Nutcracker" (Type 5)
Upside: Both stories have a certain charm to them that always makes you feel warm inside. Christmas  Carol is a heartwarming story about one man's change of heart in one night, and how he left his penny-pinching ways. The Nutcracker is a different thing in each incarnation, but its popularity in America scores it major points.
Downside: A Christmas Carol is too widely interpreted when one interpretation was clearly intended, and The Nutcracker is too filled with the past and generalizations. I think we should look more to the future for our holiday staple shows, because in my opinion, you're nothing without hope of a brighter future.

5. "A Christmas Story" (1983 Theatrical Feature, Type 5)
Upside: There are hilarious moments, such as the tongue scene and the decoder ring scene, and the running gag involving Ralphie being told he'll "shoot his eye out" if he receives the Red Ryder BB gun is hilarious every time. I've only seen it once, and it was a heartwarming tale about family - as I experienced it initially.
Downside: Dated gender and racial stereotypes, in addition to some other dated stuff and some scenes where it's hard to distinguish between imagination and reality. The lamp that the father puts up in the window and the mother subsequently breaks is a little raunchy. If this movie were set in the 2010s rather than the 1940s, which would mean fewer gender or racial stereotypes and no dated feeling, and if Ralphie's ideal gift was something other than a gun, it might be my #1.

4. "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (1968 TV Special, Type 1)
Upside: This special is the only one on this list in which Jesus is mentioned. It communicates its message well and has its share of hilarious moments, and as many heartwarming moments to balance them out. Charlie Brown's devotion to his friends through emotional upheaval is inspiring, and that last shot will stay with you.
Downside: Again, striking back against commercialism when commercials are such an inspiration to me can be unsettling at times, similar to the downside of the Grinch special. The piano music is well done but can be annoying and/or make you skittish when it's not there to underscore a good scene.

3. "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" (1970 TV Special, Type 2)
Upside: Of the Christmas specials with a "better to give than to receive" sentiment, this one does it best, through truly magical stop-motion animation, the best song-and-dance numbers of any show on this list, Paul Frees as ten different characters, and, of course, the classic title song. Fred Astaire's original rendition is a fitting end to this 48 minutes of bliss.
Downside: "One Foot in Front of the Other" is either a really good song or a really obnoxious one, and the mythology surrounding how Santa came to be can cause debate. Otherwise, this is Rankin/Bass's best work.

2. "Miracle on 34th Street" (1947 Theatrical Feature, Type 3)
Upside: The classic actors showcased in this 1947 black-and-white film are a spectacle, and Edmund Gwenn won an Oscar for his portrayal of Santa. The "believe" message sent Macy's on its way to become the department store most frequently associated with Christmas, and I think it's safe to say I'd have a much smaller portfolio if this film was never made.
Downside: Some things, though, are never quite explained, and the story is taken mostly at face value. Also, it takes some understanding to "get" the climactic scene in the courtroom, but other than that, it's a fantastic film.

1. "Home Alone" (1989 Theatrical Feature, Type 5)
Upside: Burglars. Booby traps. An escapade of a hilarious family that forgot its most hilarious member. And, of course, the magnificent music of John Williams. Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) is a memorable character that stays with you, and he's the closest thing to a real kid in anything on this list. I also especially like how loving and careful his mother (Catherine O'Hara) is, and their reunion is, in its own way, as good a scene as any slapstick this movie deals you.
Downside: There is none. Nothing wrong with this film at all when it comes to being a good Christmas show. It nails the concept. Unlike the fantasy installments you see on the list, this one is real and comedic at the same time and doesn't have any downsides to how real or fantastic it is.

So closes my list, and if this were a video, cue me falling over after getting hit in the head with a can of paint.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

My Top 10 Favorite Television Commercials

Since most of my screenplays are based on TV commercials, I figured I'd rank my top ten favorite TV commercials I've ever seen. Many, if not most of these, have made me cry, but very few seem to have the magic touch that results in a screenplay.

10. "The Camp Gyno", Hello Flo
This ad for women's hygiene products may be a little disgusting because it uses words like "vagina", "menstruation", and "period", but its unrepentant usage of those terms isn't what I like about it. It's the unstoppable girl characteristics and assertiveness the girl (Macy McGrail) shows in her leadership role. That enough sealed the deal.

9. "This Girl Can", Sport England
This ad is aimed at getting girls to exercise and, to an extent, avoid the false perceptions that come with their body's shape and size. Yet another emotional "femvertisement" that really made me emotional, yet I did not cry.

8. "Real Beauty Sketches", Dove
This ad was meant to show that a person sees themselves negatively and focuses on their flaws, while others are capable of seeing the good in them. It went viral in 2014 and is considered the first of the recent trend in "femvertisements".

7. "Imagine the Possibilities", Barbie
This ad asks "What would happen if a girl could be whatever she imagines?" and shows girls fantasizing about doing stereotypically male jobs. You're noticing a trend here, I'm guessing. It's hard to believe even Barbie, long considered an ambassador of negative female stereotypes, is getting in on femvertising.

6. "Daughter", Audi
This Audi 2017 Super Bowl commercial tells the story of a father who is worried that the skills of his daughter will be valued less simply because she is female, but sees his doubts erased when she takes the checkered flag in a go-kart race. There's a pretty big gap between those who liked and disliked this commercial, and I definitely liked it.

5. "I Will What I Want", Under Armour
Here, a young girl (Raiya Goodman) reads a rejection letter Misty Copeland, the world's most celebrated ballerina, got at age 13, while Copeland dances for the camera. The effect is astounding, and even boosted Under Armour's sales to women over tenfold.

4. "Inspire Her Mind", Verizon
Actress Reshma Saujani narrates this ad as a mother who wants her daughter to grow up to be "pretty". The girl is drawn away from a STEM career because of her mother's urging. This ad communicates a message of a field that needs more girls, and furthers the "future is female" mantra.

3. Any Target Christmas commercial from the past three years.
These commercials feature kids, talking Target toy aisle staples, and Twizzler octopi (occasionally), and I like them because the acting performances by the kids (Shiloh Nelson, Olivia Trujillo, and Bobby Sloan starred in the 2015 "Holiday Odyssey" campaign; Kylie Cantrall starred alongside John Legend, Isabella Russo, and Chrissy Teigen in the 2016 "Toycracker" campaign) are top notch - almost as good as the performances of the kids in "E.T." These kid actors are the kind you'd want in front of a crowd to deliver the right message, even if the message isn't "buy this at Target".

2. "Like a Girl", Always
Directed and voiced by my idol Lauren Greenfield of Chelsea Pictures L.A., this ad asks, "What does it mean to do something 'like a girl'?" To young girls, it means to do their best. To everyone else, it means to do poorly. You just have to experience it, the way I did on Super Bowl Sunday 2015 - and I ran into another room bawling and watched no more of the big game that year. This commercial also partially inspired my screenplay "Fearless Girl".

1. "The Wish Writer", Macy's
The ad that I adapted into a screenplay last year at Christmas. The ad that started my career as a screenwriter. The ad that tells the instantly classic story of a girl who acquires a magic pencil, uses it to do good deeds for others, and finds her good heart rewarded when her brother uses it to get her a gift she'll never forget. This ad stands out among other Christmas stories because it blends reality and fantasy perfectly and shows kids at Christmastime as they really are.

And it was an ad I'll never forget. This list may change, for as Master Yoda says, "Difficult to see....always in motion is the future."

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

The Complete Guide to The Family Programming Month (And My November 1 Post Wasn't That Already)

A couple weeks back I posted some of the biggest telecasts of the Family Programming Month (what they are, mostly). Now, I am posting a complete guide to ALL network television family and big-time programming during the month, an unabridged list of where and when you can catch these telecasts. All times Eastern.

First up, the lineup on...

  • 4:30 PM, Thanksgiving Day (Thursday, November 23): NFL Football: L.A. Chargers at Dallas Cowboys. Thanksgiving Day football game number two. Keep an eye on Dak Prescott. 
  • 8:00 PM, Black Friday (Friday, November 24): Frosty the Snowman. A lovable snowman comes to life but will melt away unless a little girl with a big heart can protect him and his magical hat. 51st straight year on CBS. 
  • 8:30 PM, Black Friday (Friday, November 24): Frosty Returns. A sequel to Frosty the Snowman that pales in comparison and cheapens the original. I advise you not to watch it. 
  • 8:00 PM, Saturday, November 25: Robbie the Reindeer: Hooves of Fire. Whatever that is. 
  • 8:30 PM, Saturday, November 25: Robbie the Reindeer: Legends of the Lost Tribe. I presume this is the sequel to Hooves of Fire. 
  • 9:00 PM, Saturday, November 25: The Story of Santa Claus. A 1994 attempt to compete with the classic Santa Claus is Coming to Town for the prize of most accepted Santa backstory.
  • 8:00 PM, Tuesday, November 28: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The Rankin-Bass classic returns to network TV for a 53rd straight year. Burl Ives tells the story and you've been living under a rock if you need more information about this one. 
  • 8:00 PM, Saturday, December 9: Encore presentation of Rudolph.
  • 9:00 PM, Saturday, December 9: Encore presentation of Frosty.
  • 9:30 PM, Saturday, December 9: Encore presentation of Frosty Returns.
Next up:

  • 8:00 PM, Wednesday, November 22: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Charlie Brown finds himself roped into throwing a Thanksgiving feast for the neighborhood children. Hilarity ensues. Don't miss.
  • 8:00 PM, Black Friday (Friday, November 24): Santa Claus is Coming to Town. A mailman answers children's questions about why Santa Claus does what he does and how he came to be. Stars the voices of Mickey Rooney, Fred Astaire, and Keenan Wynn.
  • 8:00 PM, Monday, November 27: CMA Country Christmas. I presume this is just country singers singing Christmas songs.
  • 8:00 PM, Thursday, November 30: A Charlie Brown Christmas. The Peanuts gang celebrates the season. But something is missing, and only Linus knows what. 
  • 9:00 PM, Thursday, November 30: The Wonderful World of Disney Magical Holiday Celebration. I've never watched this, so I'm assuming it's like a variety show.
  • 8:00 PM, Thursday, December 7: Shrek the Halls. A Christmas special featuring Shrek. I don't like the look of this.
  • 8:30 PM, Thursday, December 7: Toy Story That Time Forgot. Something involving Woody, Buzz Lightyear, and time travel. I've never watched it.
  • 8:00 PM, Sunday, December 10: Frozen. I actually have an easier time with The Sound of Music being telecast at Christmas than I do Frozen, even though the latter's ice/snow themes make it more of a Christmas movie than the former. 
  • 8:30 PM, Thursday, December 14: Prep & Landing. Bizarre names for elves. Yes, Prep and Landing are elves.
  • 8:00 PM, Saturday, December 16: I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown. The other, lesser known Peanuts Christmas special, with all the commercialism the first one dissed.
  • 8:30 PM, Tuesday, December 19: Prep and Landing 2: Naughty vs. Nice. The sequel to Prep and Landing - that's all I know.
After that:

  • 9:00 AM, Thanksgiving Day (Thursday, November 23): The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Celebrities, marching bands from around the country, and other acts gather in New York for a ceremonial parade. The biggest attraction, however, is always the Macy's commercials that air during the parade. (For me, at least.)
  • 8:30 PM, Thanksgiving Day (Thursday, November 23): NFL Football: New York Giants at Washington Redskins. The Thanksgiving night football game. 
  • 8:00 PM, Black Friday (Friday, November 24): How the Grinch Stole Christmas. For the 51st straight year on NBC, Chuck Jones' classic cartoon will delight us and make our hearts grow three sizes. Or thirty, if you read my Christianized version.
  • 8:30 PM, Black Friday (Friday, November 24): The Trolls Christmas Special. A world premiere of a new special based on last year's movie. Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick return to the lead roles.
  • 10:00 PM, Monday, November 27: A Very Pentatonix Christmas. Pentatonix sings Christmas songs.
  • 8:00 PM, Wednesday, November 29: Christmas in Rockefeller Center. Live from New York, a Christmas variety show featuring oodles of celebrities.
  • 8:00 PM, Wednesday, December 6: Encore presentation of A Very Pentatonix Christmas.
  • 8:00 PM, Saturday, December 9: It's a Wonderful Life. The classic 1946 movie about a man who sees what life would be like if he were never born. Never watched, but will possibly do so this year.
  • 8:00 PM, Christmas Eve (Sunday, December 24): Encore presentation of It's a Wonderful Life.
So there you have it - every single family telecast in the Family Programming Month. Only problem's impossible to catch them all on television. 

But isn't that why we have Netflix and Amazon Prime?

Let's just hope Netflix doesn't kill TV. 

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


"Isabella vs. the Womp Womp" is cancelled. Upon watching the Old Navy music video that inspired the idea, I've decided I need to tell a story with similar themes that's not necessarily based on that ad.

November 1: The Countdown Begins

It's officially on. Slowly approaching is The Family Programming Month - the stretch from Thanksgiving to Christmas when network TV - CBS, ABC, and NBC - airs programs that can attract the entire family. Not all of these telecasts are Christmas or Thanksgiving related, but most of them are, and no telecasts during The Family Programming Month are bigger than the Big Eight.

What are the Big Eight? They are the telecasts that advertisers rush to get their commercials played during (though nowhere near as big as that football game in February). They are the eight most watched television events during The Family Programming Month. They are:

  • The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
  • Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
  • Frosty the Snowman
  • How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the 30-minute cartoon, not the feature film with Jim Carrey)
  • A Charlie Brown Christmas
  • A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
  • Santa Claus is Coming to Town
  • It's a Wonderful Life
Here's a brief (just kidding, it's in-depth) history of these seven telecasts.

THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE is an annual event held in New York City since 1926. The parade ends at Herald Square outside the giant Macy's store in New York and often features celebrities and/or singers, giant balloons, and marching bands. Since the mid-1950s, NBC has televised it every year. This year, it will air Thursday, November 23 at 9:00 AM EST on NBC. 
A factoid about this telecast: Macy's is close to bankruptcy. 

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER is a 1965 hour-long stop-motion puppet fantasy that was made by Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass, the celebrated team behind many holiday classics. The special is based on Gene Autry's 1949 song and stars Burl Ives, Billie Richards, and Paul Soles. Rudolph premiered Sunday, December 12, 1965 on NBC as an episode of "The General Electric Fantasy Hour" from 6:30 to 7:30 PM. NBC played it for 45 years until 2011, when it moved to its current home on CBS. This year, it will air twice: Tuesday, November 28 at 8:00 PM EST on CBS and Saturday, December 9 at 8:00 PM EST on CBS.
A factoid about this telecast: The original Rudolph stop-motion figure still exists and is in a private collection. 

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN premiered Sunday, December 3, 1967 on CBS from 7:30 to 8:00 PM. The special is based on Steve Nelson and Jack Rollins' 1951 song and stars Jackie Vernon, Jimmy Durante, and Billy DeWolfe. CBS has aired the 30-minute cartoon every year since its premiere. This year, it will air twice: Friday, November 24 at 8:00 PM EST on CBS and Saturday, December 9 at 9:00 PM EST on CBS. Both telecasts will be directly followed by 1993's Frosty Returns, which I encourage you to avoid at all costs.
A factoid about this telecast: If you watch and listen closely, "Christopher Columbus" is among rejected names for Frosty.

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS is a 1967 30-minute animated special based on the 1957 Dr. Seuss book of the same name. This animated adaptation gave the Grinch his iconic green color and the unforgettable performances of Thurl Ravenscroft as the narrator and Boris Karloff as the Grinch. The special premiered Sunday, December 10, 1967 on NBC from 6:30 to 7:00 PM and has been aired by NBC every year since its premiere. This year, it will air Friday, November 24 at 8:00 PM EST on NBC. 
A factoid about this telecast: The Grinch is green because he represents the corporate greed for money.

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS is a 1968 30-minute animated special based on Charles M. Schultz's Peanuts comic strip. It premiered Friday, December 6, 1968 on CBS from 8:00 to 8:30 PM. CBS played it for 36 years until 2002, when it moved to its current home on ABC. This year, it will air Thursday, November 30 at 8:00 PM EST on ABC. 
A factoid about this telecast: Despite its negative portrayal of commercialism, it was commissioned by Coca-Cola. 

A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING is a 1972 30-minute animated special also based on the Peanuts strip. It premiered on Thanksgiving Day 1972 from 7:30 to 8:00 PM on ABC. This year, it will air Wednesday, November 22 at 8:00 PM EST on ABC.  
A factoid about this telecast: My grandmother also lives in a condominium.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN is a 1970 hour-long stop-motion puppet fantasy that provides an origin story for Santa Claus, as well as being the origin of the classic song. The special premiered Friday, December 4, 1970 on ABC from 7:30 to 8:30 PM and stars Fred Astaire, Mickey Rooney, and Keenan Wynn. It is currently a staple of Freeform, an ABC cable affiliate, and doesn't air on ABC / network television every year, but typically gets the highest ratings for Freeform of the year. This year, however, it will air Friday, November 24 at 8:00 PM EST on ABC. 
A factoid about this telecast: It's not broadcast in its full format anymore. ABC cuts two songs, trims two other songs in half, and abridges the opening nowadays.

IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE is a classic 1946 movie starring Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. The movie flopped during its original 1946 theatrical run, but in the 1960s, when it started being a TV staple, it evolved into a classic. Although the story and movie are in the public domain, it is almost always aired on NBC, and this year will air twice: Saturday, December 9 at 8:00 PM EST on NBC and Sunday, December 24 at 8:00 PM EST on NBC.
A factoid about this telecast: It's a bit disgusting how they did some of the special effects in this movie. Some of them involved coffee stains.


But these aren't the only family movies that air at Thanksgiving and Christmas. There is a long history of movies that have NOTHING to do with either of those holidays airing at that time because of how ripe it is for family-oriented programming. This is why I call it "The Family Programming Month" and not "The Christmas TV Month." Here are five movies that have a history of being broadcast at Christmas and Thanksgiving but have nothing to do with those holidays.

"The Sound of Music": This might be the best-known example of a non-Christmas-related movie becoming a Christmas staple. This is part of the reason My Favorite Things is often on musicians' Christmas albums, the other being the fact that the song contains many instances of winter-related imagery. (And no, it's not because the song sounds like a wish list. Who's ever found raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens in their stockings?) For more information on The Sound of Music becoming a Christmas tradition, click here.

"Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory": This 1971 movie musical was frequently aired by CBS at Christmastime, though never for more than five years consecutive. Unlike the songs from The Sound of Music, I've never heard "Pure Imagination'' or "Oompa Loompa" on a Christmas album or on K104.7 radio.

"Mary Poppins": You might be noticing that movie musicals have a trend of being telecast at Christmas. From 1966 to 1999, ABC aired Mary Poppins annually at Christmastime. I have heard some of the songs from that movie on Christmas albums, though not as much as the Sound of Music soundtrack.

"The Wizard of Oz": Ah, the granddaddy of all the movie musicals. For nearly 50 years, from 1953 all the way to 2000, NBC aired The Wizard of Oz during The Family Programming Month. I have no record of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" on Christmas albums, but that may be because Wizard of Oz usually aired on Thanksgiving Day, directly after the parade.

"Star Wars": Sometimes just the original film, and sometimes the whole original trilogy, but, yes, Star Wars was a Christmas staple (and still is - The Last Jedi comes out December 14.) In 1982 and 1984, CBS aired the original Star Wars movie at Christmastime. From 1985 to 1989, NBC aired the entire original trilogy all Christmas Day. There is no need for Star Wars scores played by Kenny G, because I already associate "Rey's Theme" and such with December.


Well, I'm pushing to change that. On the other side of my big break, back to school may become a big family programming time - my screenplay "Surviving Middle School" and my idea-in-the-works "Isabella vs. the Womp Womp" (click to see Old Navy ad that is my inspiration) could shape it into such.

But for now, there's not really such thing as a television special that's not a Christmas television special. Could my plans to publish a book entitled "The Illustrated Screenplays of Leo Finelli" change that? Could that be my big break?

You tell me, loyal readers.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Banned Books Week 2017: Thursday

Welcome to another post on banned books - and thanks for your comments, Walt.
First, sorry for not doing a post yesterday. I was too distracted by an incident involving the Oogieloves (don't ask) but here's my post for today, on books in our house that I haven't mentioned have been challenged and/or banned.

"Frog and Toad are Friends"
Why: Because of the use of "shut up".
Yes, you read that correctly. A coalition of concerned parents in Pennsylvania asked that this book be removed because it used "a rude phrase that was never properly explained as being rude". Even more surprisingly, it was banned in that PA school district.

"Charlotte's Web"
Why: Talking animals.
Yes, you also read that correctly. An evangelical parent in the 1980s believed that depicting animals communicating on the same level as humans was "an insult to God's handiwork." But why this book and not the millions of other books about talking animals?

The Chronicles of Narnia series
Why: Racism.
Yes, these books have been accused of being racist. There's a race of people in the books called the Calormenes, who ride camels, have lots of facial hair, and live in the desert. And for the most part, they are also antagonists. These books have also been banned because they are "too religious" for a public school.

The Little House series
Why: Racism.
However, the racism in these books was representative of their time to use terms like "Indian" and "darkie" to refer to these ethnic groups. Other classics use this type of language as well.

"The Giving Tree"
Why: A widespread theory that the boy and the tree are male and female stereotypes.
...and also because of the same issue that got The Lorax in trouble - "criminalizing logging".

"James and the Giant Peach"
Why: A variety of reasons.
These include: "criminalizing the act of authority figures giving children work to do", "using offensive language", and being "anti-family". I cannot understand the meaning of "anti-family", but this book definitely isn't anti-family. James and the Giant Peach is in fact one of the most frequently banned (if not the most frequently banned) children's books of all time.

The dictionary
Why: Contained a definition for "****".
And "****", and "****", and "****". But isn't defining words the dictionary's job, even if they're offensive?

What Would Jesus Do? for Kids
Why: Again, a variety of reasons.
Of course it was banned for being "too religious", but also for containing "violent words such as 'fight' and 'kill'," and for "strong and/or offensive language." Some of these challenges were even in Christian schools.

"A Wrinkle in Time"
Why: Too supernatural.
Those evangelical Christian parents never get tired of complaining about witchcraft and magic, do they?

"The Wizard of Oz"
Why: This is the most ridiculous thing ever.
Are you ready for it?
Okay, here it is.
It was challenged because....Dorothy's slippers weren't the same color they are in the movie. (The slippers are silver in the book but red in the movie, you may not have known that.)
Apparently, a parent whose child had seen the movie but not read the book feared that he would be "baffled" by the differences.
Makes no sense, but from reading these posts, you probably have learned that most reasons for challenging are ridiculous.

Tomorrow: the 10 most banned titles of all time. Some I have already mentioned, some I haven't.

Please don't stop reading my blog when I go over the reasons "The Grinch" has been banned - for the third time. All I'm doing is reporting the facts.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Banned Books Week 2017: Tuesday

Today, Tuesday of Banned Books Week, we go over the strangest reasons that books have been banned and challenged. So here they are - and no, even Fahrenheit 451, which has been banned because it contains books being banned, is not on the list. These are even more ridiculous than that, in my opinion.

10. My Friend Flicka by Mary O'Hara
Why: Uses the word "bitch"... to describe a female dog.
We all know the non-offensive meaning of "bitch". This is like banning a book because it uses "ass" to refer to the animal.

9. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume.
Why: Digestion of a turtle.
Some of Judy Blume's other books have been banned, as previous posts have indicated, but this is just ridiculous. Would it have been banned if Fudge (the little brother in the book) ate a hamster instead?
Why so worked up about a turtle?

8. Superfudge by Judy Blume.
Why: Tells children that Santa Claus doesn't exist.
This sequel to Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing has been challenged and banned as well, mostly because of a controversial chapter in which Peter Hatcher, the young narrator, tells us that he knows Santa Claus doesn't exist and also tells his mother to tell Fudge the same thing.

7. Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh.
Why: Because it was written by a lesbian.
Crap. Total crap....and to one-up that, it's also been challenged for "encouraging children to snoop." It's in the title of the book! Would you buy "Harriet the Well-Behaved Child" for your school? Most likely.

6. Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss.
Why: Because the green ham unintentionally resembles a penis.
I'm looking at our copy of Green Eggs and Ham right now, and I cannot see a resemblance between the green ham and genitals. But for a while, Alameda County in California did not allow this book in any of their schools. Apparently, they saw a resemblance. What did I miss?

5. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein.
Why: Because it gives children mischievous strategies to avoid doing chores.
In the book, Silverstein writes the couplet: "If you have to dry the dishes / And you drop them on the floor / Then your parents will not let you / Dry the dishes anymore".
Supposedly one kid deliberately dropped the dishes on the floor while drying them so he or she wouldn't have to dry the dishes anymore. This was enough for the parents to write the school and petition for removal of the book.

4. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson.
Why: Because it doesn't have a happy ending.
Spoiler alert: Leslie dies. Would you ban Romeo and Juliet? That's got an unhappy ending.

3. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.
Why: Racism.
In the words of my fellow blogger Sam Greenspan (not to be confused with Lauren Greenfield, director of the #LikeAGirl commercial that inspired my screenplay "Fearless Girl", and I await a response after sending my screenplay to her), "nowhere has a book made it more clear who the good guys are and who the bad guys are. Tom Robinson might as well have been named Innocent McFalselyaccused."
But...this book has been banned for the very racism it was trying to combat.

2. The Witches by Roald Dahl.
Why: Witches.
It's the title of the book. Would the school have bought a book called The Witches if they knew some parents would be finnicky about witchcraft? Maybe, if they thought people would read it.

1. The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle.
Why: It's a long story, and here it is.
It was banned by a Maryland school in 2003 because of its title. Yes, its title. The school worried that referring to a character as "very hungry" would offend children who struggled with eating disorders, which makes no sense and seems REALLY oversensitive. Would you buy "The Caterpillar Who Ate Stuff"?

So, stay tuned for Wednesday's list, on which I will list a few books my family owns that you may not have known were challenged or banned, such as Frog and Toad.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Banned Books Week 2017: Monday

As Banned Books Week continues, today (read: yesterday - I am posting this one day late) I will go in depth to the top ten most common reasons for banning and challenging books. Some of these are reasonable, others less so, so here they are:

1. Offensive language, profanity, and/or swearing.
Example: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.
Gone Girl was challenged during its time as the #1 NY Times Bestseller due to its use of "****", "****", and "****". Thousands of other books have gotten in trouble for this - even children's books, such as the 1978 classic Bridge to Terabithia, which has been challenged and banned for its use of "Oh my Lord". (As well as its "unhappy ending". You read that right.)

2. Sex and sexually explicit content.
Example: Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James.
This one got challenged recently by a public library on the grounds that "we are concerned that the book's readers may want to try it out." I know what they mean by "it".

3. Violence.
Example: Nine/Ten: A September 11 Story by Nora Raleigh Baskin.
This recent juvenile chapter book is one of many that has been ruled just too violent for public schools. But the violence described in this book really happened. I don't understand why people think that the way to protect children from violence is to deny it exists.

4. Being unsuitable for the age group it is targeted at.
Example: Where Willy Went by I forget whom.
Who's Willy, the protagonist of this children's book? Why, a sperm, of course! This one is not a school staple, because it was written for youngsters who, by common consent, aren't old enough to know what a sperm even is.

5. Racism and racial stereotypes.
Example: To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.
Yes, the great American anti-racism novel from 1960 has been challenged for containing the very racism it is speaking out against. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, too, has been challenged for over 200 mentions of a certain six-letter racial epithet. Couldn't these books be used to teach children about racism?

6. LGBT characters and/or LGBT stereotypes.
Example: I Am Jazz by Jessica Herthel and Jazz Jennings.
This is a new picture book that explains the concept of transgender. In fact, it's how I learned what transgender is. But it's gotten a lot of hate, in particular from a certain anti-LGBT Christian minister that I don't like to talk about. There's another one about some gay penguins (yes, you read that correctly) that I'll go into more detail in on a later post.

7. Containing words or contextual orientations that may offend some students. In other words, not being PC. 
Example: Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume.
You probably already know this one's gotten into some tight spots for its graphic depictions of puberty, but in more recent years it's been getting removed for a different reason. To paraphrase one challenge letter, "we have concerns that the use of the word "God" in the title of the book will offend students who do not recognize God." As mentioned in the previous post, How the Grinch Stole Christmas is also widely challenged and banned due to concerns that it will offend students who do not observe Christmas.

8. Allegations that the book is or can be taken as propaganda for one side of a hotly debated issue.
Example: Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss.
Just scroll down to read my previous post, and you'll find out that this classic has been accused of being pro-life propaganda. I go into more detail on my earlier post.

9. Sexism and/or gender stereotypes.
Example: In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd.
This book is best known as the book that partially inspired the movie A Christmas Story, and it was banned in one Ohio school district for degrading women. Of course, women stereotypically stayed in the kitchen all day back then, when this book was set. These books cannot be banned - they are valuable teaching tools.

10. The old "magic is bad, Jesus is good" thing.
Example: Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling.
If my parents were diehard conservative evangelistic Christians, maybe we wouldn't have a Harry Potter Clue game in our house. I'm glad they're not. But you've probably learned from these entries that all kinds of people are banning books - from the "Jesus is good for schools" crowd to the "Jesus is bad for schools" crowd.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's post, in which...I don't know yet what I'll do.

How about the most ridiculous reasons to challenge? Okay, I'll do that.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Banned Books Week 2017: Sunday

The phenomenon of books that are censored from school libraries has always been fascinating to me. So all this week, which libraries officially recognize as "Banned Books Week", I will be doing blog posts on banned books.

First up, on Sunday, September 24, a look at the most banned and challenged author in America. 

No, not J.K. Rowling. Or Judy Blume.

No, it's the seemingly innocent Dr. Seuss.

Born in 1904 as Theodor Seuss Geisel, Dr. Seuss has written over 50 books that remain children's classics. Over 75% of them have been challenged (meaning, parents have written schools letters saying that these books should not be in school libraries). Here are his most challenged and censored titles. 

"Horton Hears a Who". 
You'd think everyone would have positive sentiment to the famous quotation "A person's a person no matter how small." Like most of his work, Horton Hears a Who has been referred to by the author as an allegory that makes a social point. The social point being made is against discrimination. Though Seuss's later The Sneetches is better known as an allegory for discrimination, Horton Hears a Who is this as well - Seuss himself has said so. 

Only some people take "no matter how small" too literally.

Once it became well known that many of Seuss's books were allegories, it became widely (and wrongly) thought that Horton Hears a Who was about abortion and its arc words of "a person's a person no matter how small" were communicating a pro-life message. As early as 1969 and as late as this year, Horton Hears a Who has been challenged and banned by the pro-choice community. Challenge letters have referred to the book as "Christian propaganda" or "conservative propaganda" with a "politically biased viewpoint". Did Seuss face the same problems when he wrote about the Whos again? Actually he did.

"How the Grinch Stole Christmas".
The most rewritten work of all time. The book that spawned Christianizations and my own little rehash I'm working on, and most famously a TV cartoon that has played for nearly 50 years on NBC. And, a commonly banned title - for two reasons that completely oppose each other.

This classic title was recently banned from a Rhode Island public school system because of "concerns that it would offend people who do not observe Christmas." There goes the PC brigade again. In fact, it's widely and wrongly assumed that the Grinch character represents the PC brigade, and his efforts to steal Christmas from the Whos represent the alleged attempts of secular progressives to take Christ out of Christmas. 

But the evangelical brigade had something to say about this book too. Many Christian schools over the years have had problems with the book never mentioning Jesus. One even called the book "ungodly." Though I am working to include Jesus in the traditional story, I don't think any book that mentions Jesus is ungodly.

So, in short, this book has been censored for being too religious and for not being religious enough.

"The Butter Battle Book".

This is well known as a Seussian satire of the nuclear arms race between West Germany and East Germany. It's been censored on the grounds that kids don't need to know about that stuff until they're a little older.

Also, the book's depiction of a Seussian atomic bomb has gotten it in trouble on occasion. 

I wonder why I have so little to say about this one.

"The Lorax". 

Seuss's 1971 environmentalist fable is on the "commonly challenged" list mostly due to parents complaining that the way it portrays logging is too negative. Like Horton Hears a Who, it's been accused of having a politically biased viewpoint. (However, Horton's alleged bias was to the political right, The Lorax's to the left.)

But wasn't the whole point of the book to show that logging is wrong? 

Or, could it be something else entirely?

I am growing to not see the book as an environmentalist fable. Perhaps cutting down the Truffula Trees is a metaphor for spreading prejudice and xenophobia, and the animals that the Lorax says must go (the fish, the swans, and the Barbaloots) represent groups that are discriminated against. The seed that the Onceler gives the boy at the end could represent that it is in the hands of all people to end prejudicial behavior.

P.S. One group was so outraged by the book's portrayal of logging that they published "The Truax", which was essentially a parody from the logging point of view. "The Truax'' was banned as well.

"Green Eggs and Ham"

What harm did a book that used only 50 different words do? A lot, said one California school. One parent could not help but notice that the way the green ham was drawn, it looked like a penis. And then they just got carried away, thinking the green eggs looked like testicles (or breasts), and wrote a letter to the local school complaining about the seemingly innocent book's "sexual imagery."

And it actually got banned. That California school library actually decided that Green Eggs and Ham contained sexual imagery and needed to be removed.

But in the unlikely case that the green eggs and ham are, in fact, a penis and some testicles, what is Sam-I-Am trying to get the guy to do with them. Eating the green eggs and ham means doing what to the penis and testicles? I really don't want to know. 

"Oh, the Places You'll Go"

Seuss's last book that sells like hotcakes every late May and early June when parents buy it for graduations. Now this ban is some juicy stuff. 

Apparently, one parent wanted to buy the book for her daughter but wondered what she would think about the child shown throughout the book clearly being male. She then wrote her daughter's school, challenging the book on the grounds that it was allegedly sexist. The school library didn't remove it, so this mother wrote her own version of "Oh, the Places You'll Go" focusing on the theme that society does not limit girls and they can pursue any path they dream of following. Dr. Seuss Enterprises successfully prevented publication of this rehash, but that didn't stop many parents from demanding that a "female version" of this book be made.

And maybe it will be made.

I am all about "He for She" right now, and there are several places on my blog where you can find my feminist rallying cry in screenplay form, "Fearless Girl", including right here.

"Fearless Girl", I must admit, now that I look back on it, is more about rewriting the meaning of the phrase "like a girl" than actually saying that girls are unstoppable, but maybe I should communicate that in a future screenplay, such as a sequel to "Fearless Girl".

I've been asking, should I do the sequel?

What do you think? Leave your response in the comments!

Friday, September 22, 2017

My SNL "Celebrity Jeopardy" Sketch

(The letters in “Jeopardy” appear one by one on the screen. We cut to the studio. Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek stands at a podium. Three impersonators, dressed as contestants, stand at podiums opposite him.)

TREBEK: Welcome back to a special celebrities-under-25 edition of...Celebrity Jeopardy! Before we begin, I’d like to point out that our former contestant Sean Connery has recently passed. This is good news for me, but we still have heavy security aimed at keeping out his ghost. That said, let’s take a look at the scores.

(Cam on impersonator dressed as Kylie Rogers.)

TREBEK: Kylie Rogers is in first place with 600 dollars, having buzzed in over 100 times but only answering correctly twice.

ROGERS: I like the sound of the buzzer. (hits it)

TREBEK: You have to answer questions when you buzz in.

ROGERS: No, I don’t. I just wanna hear the buzzer. (hits it again.)

TREBEK: No, you don’t. Moving on.

(Cam on impersonator dressed as Darci Lynne Farmer.)

TREBEK: Darci Lynne Farmer is in last place with negative 5,400 dollars, having never answered a single question correctly, and only buzzed in to complain about the fact that we confiscated her ventriloquist puppet before we started filming.

FARMER: (emotionally) Well, you know...each puppet I have represents a specific part of me, and I’m only me when I’m with my puppets. We go together, and -

TREBEK: Moving on!

(Cam on impersonator dressed as myself.)

TREBEK: Finally, Leo Finelli, the screenwriter, is in second with negative 3,000 dollars, and has only just returned to his podium after watching the commercials during the break. You look inspired. I am not surprised, considering you just watched a bunch of commercials.

ME: Commercials give me the inspiration I need to write my screenplays, and...hee hee hee hee.

TREBEK: Do you laugh like that whenever you are inspired?

ME: No comment.

TREBEK: But you are always that giddy.

ME: Yes, I do believe I am.
TREBEK: That’s nice. Let’s take a look at the Double Jeopardy board. And your categories are: “Potent Potables”, “New Jersey”, “Continents”, and...considering Mr. Finelli did not do well with our first-round category of “Feminist Christmas Specials Inspired by Commercials”, which we included specifically for him, we have made easier categories for the three of you: “Teen Actresses Named Kylie”, “Famous Ventriloquists”, and “Screenwriters in Their 20s.” Miss Farmer, you have control of the board. May I suggest “Famous Ventriloquists”?

FARMER: No, I’ll take “Continents” for $1600, Alex.

TREBEK: Okay then. And the answer is: “This continent is north of South America.”

(Awkward silence.)

TREBEK: It’s the continent you’re on right now. Do you know the continent you’re on right now?

(Awkward silence again.)

TREBEK: This continent is north of South America. North of South America. No one can figure out the name of the continent north of South America?!

(Kylie Rogers buzzes in.)

TREBEK: Yes, Miss Rogers?

ROGERS: I’ve been to South America. I saw Mount Biggie President Heads.

TREBEK: Your facts are so wrong I do not know where to start. The correct answer was North America. North America is north of South America. Miss Farmer, you still have control of the board.

FARMER: Can my puppet pick this time?

TREBEK: No! Why don’t you pick a category, Mr. Finelli?

ME: Finally. I’ll take the vent thing for a zillion.

TREBEK: That’s “Famous Ventriloquists” for $1200. And the answer is: “She is the only person in this room who can sing with her mouth closed.”

(Kylie Rogers buzzes in.)

ROGERS: Who is, uh, Alex Trebek?

TREBEK: Good Lord! I am not a “she” and I can’t even sing with my mouth open.

(I buzz in.)

ME: I can sing with my mouth open. “Like a small boat, on the ocean…”

(Kylie Rogers buzzes in.)
ROGERS: Wasn’t that song from a flick I made?

(Darci Lynne Farmer buzzes in.)

TREBEK: What, Miss Farmer?

FARMER: What was the clue again?

TREBEK: We were looking for the name of the only person in this room that can sing with their mouth closed.

FARMER: Who am I?

TREBEK: That is correct!

FARMER: No, seriously, who am I?

TREBEK: You’re Darci. You’re trying to win. You just won some money.

FARMER: I did?

TREBEK: Please, God, take me now. (to camera) We’re going to skip ahead to Final Jeopardy. And the category is… “Write Your Name.”

(Think music begins.)

TREBEK: Please turn your attention to the game board. We have displayed each of your names on the board. Just copy down what you see.

(We see the board. The names “Kylie”, “Darci,” and “Leo” are displayed on it.)

(All the contestants are seen one by one, writing something down.)

(Think music ends.)

TREBEK: Okay, let’s see how you managed to mess this one up. Kylie Rogers, what did you write down?

(We see what Kylie has written.)

TREBEK: You had to write your name, and you wrote: “What did I have to write again?”, which, strangely, is incorrect but even harder to write than your name. And you wagered: “My clothing.” You know what, keep your wager. We’ll mark it as correct. We’re not taking away your clothing. Now, Miss Farmer, what did you write?

(We see what Darci has written.)

TREBEK: You wrote down: “Can I have my puppets back now?” No, Miss Farmer, we’re going to have to check on Leo Finelli’s answer and see your wager. You wagered: “If you don’t give them back, my agent will sue your show.”
Okay then. Now, we just have to see what Leo Finelli wrote. Did he write his name?

(We see what I wrote.)

TREBEK: Mr. Finelli has somehow managed to paste an entire screenplay he wrote as his answer.

ME: It’s a feminist Christmas special based on a TV commercial.

TREBEK: Everything you write is. Now, let’s just see what you wagered.

(We see my wager.)

TREBEK: You wrote: “Do you like it?” No, I do not. That’s all the time we have for tonight.

OFFSTAGE VOICE WITH A SCOTTISH ACCENT: That’s not what your mother said last night.

(A slightly transparent specter of Sean Connery has entered the scene.)

TREBEK: (to camera) It seems Sean Connery’s ghost has breached our security. Please exit, my good friend.

CONNERY: That’s not what your mother said last night.

TREBEK: Mr. Connery, the show is over.

CONNERY: That’s not what your -

TREBEK: You leave me with no choice.

(A security woman with an ax runs in and smashes the camera. The screen goes staticy.)

FARMER’S VOICE: (slightly muffled) You’re gonna get sued.

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