The countdown starts now:
12. Xavier Musketeers. Nothing’s wrong with the Musketeers, unless your mascot isn’t even a musketeer. Their mascot is named “The Blue Blob”, and is exactly what it says on the tin. It’s so funny it comes out the other side to genuinely intimidating.
11. Whittier College Poets. Because no one fears poets, except when they look like this nightmare. Seriously, that thing doesn’t even look human. And what might they say at graduation? “Mr. Clark Haile will not be receiving a diploma because he can’t write poems. We here are the Poets, so if you are incapable of writing poetry, you must transfer, Mr. Haile.” If that’s the truth, then close Whittier College.
10. Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers. What is a Hilltopper, anyway? Apparently it’s this thing, which looks like a red Jabba the Hutt with legs and feet. Its name is “Big Red”. At least it’s a better name than The Blue Blob.
9. University of California at Irvine Anteaters. And their biggest rivals, Long Beach State, aren’t even called the Ants. So why the Anteaters? It makes no sense and it’s terrible. And to think that this wonderful, magical tribute also came out of Irvine!
8. Scottsdale University Artichokes. Now, you can make vegetables your mascot. Artie the Artichoke (that’s his name) was probably kicked off VEGGIETALES by Bob the Tomato, who despite being the voice of Christian virtue to kids, loathes vegetables becaus he’s too commonly mistaken as one.
7. Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville Fightin’ Snails. Snails aren’t tough. Snails are wimpy and small and can be killed by sodium. Their biggest rivals are the Loyola Ramblers, which should really become the Loyola Salt Shakers if they want to wipe out the Snails.
6. Santa Cruz University Banana Slugs. Banana slugs are common in California, and they do have great survival skills, but they make a lousy mascot. Sammy, who dances around at the basketball games, looks like snot, which actually makes a better mascot.
5. North Carolina School of the Arts Fighting Pickles. I’ve actually BEEN to this school, and the image I currently have of it is not helped by the fact that their mascot is a pickle. An INFLATABLE, IMMOBILE pickle, not a student in a suit.
4. Evergreen State Geoducks. A geoduck isn’t a type of bird, it’s a mollusk. Octopi, squids, and even Calamarians make neat mascots, especially if Squidward or Admiral Ackbar is running around taking pictures with little kids. But geoducks? Half the world has never heard of these things.
3. Webster University Gorloks. Never heard of a Gorlok? Well, that’s because it’s an IMAGINARY animal DESIGNED BY THE STUDENTS OF WEBSTER U. It has the head of a something, the teeth of a… you get it. It’s an amalgamation of different animals, given a name that sounds like it would be a fake Scrabble word from a sitcom.
2. Delta State Fighting Okra. And their on-field mascot is much uglier than the Okra Man, the giant inflatable okra that marched through the town I spent my early years in every September. Check him out here. He’s not even friendly!
1. Rhode Island School of Design Nadds. The school’s nickname comes from the original founder’s last name, kind of like the Cleveland Browns. Worse, to cheer them on, you must yell, “GO NADDS!” And thus, Scrotie the Scrotum, who entertains kids at games, was born. No kidding. Their nickname is the Nadds, so you say, “GO NADDS!” and their on-field mascot is someone dressed as a SCROTUM. This is real. Look it up or just check out a picture of Scrotie the Scrotum here.