Now, if a kid wants to use the Internet wisely, they stay off Deadspin. But if there’s a guy on Deadspin pointing out all his problems with children’s television, then you just gotta go there. Unless you’re too mature to. At almost 16, my Deadspin days are through.
Drew Magary swears a lot, but not as much as the Nostalgia Critic or South Park. I’ve censored the quotes. If you want to report me to the web cops, go ahead, but here are 10 quotes from Drew that I found hilarious. When I was 12.
- On “Max and Ruby”: “Usually, it's Max and Ruby's grandmother who has to come along to point out Max's inadvertent triumph. "Oh ho ho! Why, this is the most original historical society invitation I've ever seen!" Then Max smiles and we circle wipe to black.”
- On “Wow Wow Wubbzy”: The Wubb Girlz have a song of their own, by the way. It goes like this: SING A SONG / SING SING SING / SING ALONG / SING SING - Now repeat that 80 times. I don't care if it's a reincarnated John Lennon singing it.”
- On “Chuggington”: “...in which a shrill loudspeaker named Vee (controlled by aliens?!)”
- On “Dora the Explorer”: “Then you gotta sing this whole awful song, which I will repeat here because I know it by heart.”
- On “Dora the Explorer”: “Just change “Gooey Geyser” to “Enchanted Taco Hut” and you’ve got yourself a new episode.”
- On “Dora the Explorer”: “And his song is somehow even worse. ‘I’M THE MAP / I’M THE MAP / I’M THE MAP / I’M THE MAP / I’M THE MAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!’ Really? I thought you were an ice cream cone!”
- On “Super Why”: “That's when the four kids all transform into superheroes, even though they already live in a magical kingdom. Princess Pea transforms into Princess Presto. How is that different? She started off as a [CENSORED] princess, and now she's just a different one. She's just doing a wardrobe change. I don't see a huge leap in abilities.”
- On “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse”: “BUT...to make the clubhouse appear, you gotta say the magic words: MEESKA MOOSKA MICKEY MOUSE!”
- On “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse”: “That’s how stupid this show is. I swear to God, one time they made you push a button to summon a train sound, and the correct button was a [CENSORED] HOT DOG. You know why? Because, as Mickey explained, you “chew” a hot dog, so if you “chew chew,” you’ll get CHOO CHOO.”
- On “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse”: “Anyway, once you’ve used the kite to blow open the bank vault and solve the problem, the show is over, and you must do the Hot Dog Dance. Ohhhhh, They Might Be Giants. Oh, I will ruin you. No word on if the Hot Dog Dance summons a [CENSORED] train.”
- On “Paw Patrol”: “PAW Patrol takes place in a (Canadian) town called Adventure Bay that apparently has no functional fire department, police department, or local contractors. So whenever someone around town has a problem, they have to go crawling to a volunteer squad of seven puppies (not even grown dogs!) and one (Canadian) boy, all of whom work out of the town’s space needle.”
- On “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood”: “Worst Episode: Snowflake Day. This is an hour-long special where the kids get dressed up and literally sing a song about how special snowflakes are. Seriously. It’s supposed to be a holiday episode but it’s really just an after school special on the dangers of PBS.”